Armadillo Armageddon: The Rampage
          Gigantic Armadillo of Unknown Origin Disrupts Dead Week

           The Throne of Arlington
          Porcelain Monument Forms Mystical Center to Town

           S.P.A.R.S.
          Plant Life Afflicted by Undetermined Illness. Plant Travel to Hong Kong
           and Canada Limited.

           Campus Cops Quell Near-Rioting Factions
           Idiots versus Geeky Nerds in Violent Sissy Slapfights

           Student Baffled over Peer Charges
          Young Woman Totally Unaware of Own Sluttiness

           Rush Limbaugh Speaks At UTA
          Noted Conservative Reveals Lifestyle Change

           UTA Campus Turns out for Pro-War Rally
          Students Enthused About Violent Mid-East Conflict

           Increase In Feline Insomina Discovered
          Worried Cat Owners Monitor Erratic Kitty Behavior