al-Sahaf, the new IMC spokesman

     This week, in an announcement clearly meant to strike fear into the heart of Detroit, Baghdad has unveiled plans to market the Jihad - a four-wheel drive tank-like vehicle to be produced by the newly formed Iraqi Motor Corp (IMC). The spokesperson for IMC, former Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, has appeared on Iraqi television to stimulate interest in the Jihad, though the vehicle in question has yet to be shown to he public. "Our initial assessment of the Jihad shows that it reaches fifty - that's five oooooh - miles per gallon of Iraqi oil!"

     At the latest press conference, al-Sahaf was asked if IMC held concerns about breaking into a market already flooded with established Japanese, German and American autos. He was vehement in his denials. "We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid; and they are condemned. The Jihad will oust 'the big three' - they are a funny trio. IMC is already as I speak surrounding them and pounding them. The whole trend has changed and we are going to finalize this very soon. After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures. The Big Three are finished. Iraq will give the world The Big One."

     Asked to comment on these proclamations, the reactions of major automakers were a combination of indignation and confusion:

     John F. Smith, Chairman of General Motors: "GM was founded in 1908, and has been the global automotive sales leader since 1931. We have manufacturing operations in 32 countries and our vehicles are sold in more than 190 countries. The Jihad, you say? Those guys are full of (expletive)."

     William Clay Ford, Jr., Chairman and CEO of Ford Motor Company: "I haven't heard anything about this. This is insane. I'd put an F-150 up against any piece of crap Jihad any day. As soon as this interview concludes, I'm going to put the marketing department people on anti-Jihad Calvin stickers. That'll fix 'em."

     Wolfgang Bernhard, COO of the Chrysler Group: "Well, we are technically a German company now, and as such would prefer not to the involved in any confrontation with Iraq. However, I would be skeptical of the feasibility of plans Baghdad may or may not have to form a new automotive company. We welcome competition, of course. But I would be shocked if they encountered actual success. Frankly, we can hardly give away a Town and Country these days, even with leather seats thrown in for free!"

     When al-Sahaf was read these quotes from competitors, he snatched off his famous black beret and threw it to the ground in frustration. "Let the American infidels bask in their illusion! I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!" he yelled, pointing in a westward direction at what appeared to be more desert.

     Shoehorn reporters asked the spokesman for a previewing of the Jihad, but they were told it was being saved for a surprise. When the reporters present suggested the possibility that accounts of the Jihad were fabricated and it was not an actual auto, al-Sahaf wasted no time in retorting, "The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you! And that American dog - Bush - the midget Bush and that Rumsfeld deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere."

     As for the world's automakers, he said, "They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces. Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public their lies to keep them deceived. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."

     In a final statement about possible competitors, especially American competitors, he insisted, "We have placed them in a quagmire from with they can never emerge except dead," before returning to his black Cavalier and driving away, his tires spinning sand.

     A price for the illusive Jihad has not been set, but missile launching equipment and air conditioning, as well as tax, title and license, are reportedly not to be in quoted price, when it is actually quoted.

     NEXT WEEK: Will GM respond with a "Holy Crusade," a competing vehicle?